Victory Is Mine: April 2005

Scientists say: Everyone is bulimic!

Well, actually, they just say that everyone can read minds. Same thing though.

Pit stop on the move down to L.A.

The California College of Ayurveda, in the delightfully named city of Grass Valley. Not entirely sure how far it is from Weed.

I figured I'd give ole Ricky Williams a holler.

Anyone know any good ways to make people laugh...

...without EVER even remotely using movie lines? I'm really struggling here. My comic sense is entirely one-dimensional.

Apple's Tiger set for release today

If they had stuck with being trendy and called it a "Liger" instead, I bet the stock would double once the sales receipts started pouring in.

More interspecies lovin' baby!!!

This time, a donkey fucked a zebra. Giddyup.

Indian golfer co-leads Zurich Classic down in Louisiana

Sharing the lead with Chris DiMarco, the new "best golfer never to have won a major." Behind my brother and me, this guy has to be like the third Indian ever to swing a golf club in the state of Louisiana.

Houston bans smelly people from libraries

So...I've got a complaint to lodge against FOBs who don't wear deodorant. Seriously, I sat next to a dude from somewhere in Africa the other day at a Starbucks down in L.A., but I couldn't move because I was talking to my professor for an hour and I'm telling you, Kip, it KILLED.

And no, I don't have anything against Africans. I have the same complaint with my fellow Indians who come over and don't hit up the Old Spice. Shyit. U.S. Customs really needs to add some sort of hygiene training when they let people into the country, for the good of the American people. Not that I'm biased against immigrants - I wouldn't be here if my parents hadn't immigrated - but the violations come a helluva lot more from them than it does anyone else. At least the homeless have an excuse.

Guys, beware those Norwegian milkmaids

Although you should take solace in the fact that you can, in fact, win a rape case against one in a Norwegian court.

Jason White signed by Chiefs as undrafted free agent!

Though honestly, I'm guessing that in that offense he has a legit shot to have more success that Chris Simms has or ever will have as a pro.

A&M cloned a horse

I can guarantee you that deep down in those labs, they're trying to clone Dante Hall.

ESPN Poll

"Which would you choose:
A) 90 days in jail
B) Donate tickets of favorite NFL team to charity"

The amazing thing is, 20% of people would actually choose the jail time. I'm a die-hard and all, and I know Packers tickets are tough to find, but that's just ridiculous.

One of the funnier lines in movie history

From the movie "Saved!" with Mandy Moore and Macaulay Culkin:

Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls comes down to the Planned Parenthood.
Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb?
Cassandra: Okay, two reasons.

Irish Car Bombs are good

Just wanted to say that I turned a night of "not feeling it" after a couple Crown and Sprites into an excellent drunkenfest after 4 Irish car bombs and a couple Budweisers yesterday. I'll have to remember that for future reference.

Tendinitis from a Blackberry?

Wow, my lightning-quick Blackberry skillz may not be as good for me as I thought. Dayumn.

The Akshay Kumar fan club is pissed - look out, Pepsi!

Broken English notwithstanding, I don't know if I'd want to mess with this fan club. They even "quit smoking, drinking [sic] because of him."

Page 2 lists best team drafts of all time

The '74 Steeler draft, of course, ranks as the best all-time. FOUR Hall of Famers in the same draft: Lynn Swann, Jack Lambert, John Stallworth, and Mike Webster. Unbelievable. But no mention of the 1986 49ers draft which landed them 8 starters who helped them win 2 Super Bowls? Oooo, I'm guessing Chirag has something to say about this.

Saints fans never cease to amuse me

This Saints fan on our message board has decided that he is so proficient in NFL matters that he actually sent the Minnesota Vikings front office an email suggesting they trade us a 2nd round pick and Dontarrious Thomas for our franchise DE Darren Howard. Just the concept of Saints fans actually emailing NFL front offices makes me empathize with the type of crap those front office folks have to put up with.

Ok, you guys pile together and get me this for my birthday

I swear to GOD it's called a "Badonkadonk Tank," and it ships in 1-2 months. If you live in the state of WA, remember that you'll have to pay sales tax, so you may not want to get this for me.

Anyone else with $20,000, feel free.

You have to admit

I type relatively well when I am hammered.

Beer before liquor, you've never been sicker? Not really. Perhaps a footnote should be added for prevention of such sickness when it's washed down with either thin-crust Domino's pizza or Fatburger.

Laughing keeps you healthy

Hey! You! You over there. Yes, I'm talking about you. If you don't laugh at my jokes, you're risking a serious deficiency of plasma fibrinogen, which could lead to an increased risk of heart attack and strokes later on in life.

Dance, puppets. Dance!

First week critical in childhood obesity

Apparently, this study concludes that what parents feed kids in the first week of life is correlated to obesity later in life. I think the researchers have this wrong: what parents feed kids in the first week of life is probably correlated to what parents feed kids in the 14th year of life, which turns most of their kids into fat fucks.

Get your kids on a treadmill! Shit.

Oh, and one more thing:

Breast-fed babies are less likely to be overweight.

What about breast-fed 25-year-olds? Are they less likely to be overweight at age 45? Are they going to start writing prescriptions for a steady dose of boobies now?

Here's my all-new weight loss book, which I'm having trouble getting past the first four fucking words (feel free to fill in the 200 pages of blanks):

EAT LESS. EXERCISE MORE.

Motorist injured by flying sausage

So, one car traveling say 40 mph northbound, another traveling 40 mph southbound, and a guy in one car nails a guy in the other car smack in the nose with the flying sausage and the problem is that the perp hasn't been apprehended? My ass. The REAL problem is that the Texas Rangers haven't found the guy who threw said sausage and signed him to a multi-year contract. That's Greg-Maddux-in-his-prime type precision.

Alcohol not as good for you as you think, CDC says

Gosh:

Other groups — such as the American Heart Association — say drinking alcohol increases the dangers of alcoholism, high blood pressure, obesity, stroke, breast cancer, suicide and accidents.

Waitaminute, they forgot to mention the fact that it creates most of the best stories ever told. I'd say that outweighs most of the above. Isn't it the damnedest thing that alcohol leads to increased levels of alcoholism? I could've sworn it was nudie magazines or something which leads to that. Sheesh.

Sonics fans can rest easy

Looks like the Sonics we knew all season long until this month are back, after destroying the Hornets and T-Wolves in consecutive games after getting Lewis back. Whew.

Steinbrenner is PISSED

It really does not get much better than this for a Yankee hater like me. All together now: YANKEES SUCK!

More South Park-becomes-reality: interspecies lovin'!

Apparently a wholphin is an animal. Seriously, folks, you cannot make shit like this up:

Kekaimalu, whose name means "from the peaceful ocean," was born 19 years ago after a surprise coupling between a 14-foot, 2,000-pound false killer whale and a 6-foot, 400-pound dolphin.

I sure hope they make Astroglide for sea mammals. Yeow.

South Park's chickenfucker revealed!

Who remembers that episode, anyone? It was something like the third episode ever. Anyway, chickenfucker lives. He claims to have given the chicken simple mouth-to-mouth. Uh, yah. And women flock to me like the salmon of Capistrano.

Apparently Asian men drivers suck too

I don't think they're as bad as the women, though.

More on the Sonics' collapse

I can't believe more isn't being made of this. The Sonics had a commanding double-digit lead in the division only a few weeks ago. Denver has now won 23 of its last 25 games (only 2 losses were to Phoenix) and 9 in a row, while the Sonics have lost 6 in a row and 8 of their last 10. The magic number has been one since April 1, and they still haven't closed it out.

If the Sonics don't beat the Hornets at home tomorrow night, there's a good chance they could lose out, with road games at Minnesota, Dallas, and Houston to finish the season. Meanwhile, Denver's schedule isn't a pancake but they could conceivably win out: vs Memphis, at Houston, at Phoenix, and home vs Portland.

This would undoubtedly be the most remarkable collapse in NBA history if it pans out. The Sonics have already clinched a playoff spot but would be a lock to get bumped in the first round if they continue like this.

(Again, they have been really hurt by injuries during this stretch, but Rashard Lewis and Antonio Daniels are back, so no excuses at this point.)

Miss USA Swimsuits

Screw it, I have nothing else to blog about.

They all look hot to me. How the hell do you differentiate?

Is you is or is you ain't my baby

What is, "K-Fed's first words to the newborn child"?

Not enthused with hunting kittens? Shoot 'em out of a cannon!

I hate cats.

Gratuitous Miss North Carolina bikini shot

Wow. Last year's Miss USA (or Miss America, whichever one was from Missouri) was hot too. Like actual hot, not like in the past when they won on stupid things like answers to questions instead of how much cleavage they got with the fake 34DD's.

More on the beautiful politics of Seattle

Two choices: Either we name a middle school in Federal Way after an officer killed in the line of duty, or some Native American asshole who molested a 10 year old girl and died 15 years ago. Now what do you think local law demands?

How our Seattle politicos bide their time

I wasn't kidding on my Friendster profile when I noted that lost orcas dominate the nightly news.

In Chicago today and tomorrow

Interview is tomorrow and not sure if I'll be online afterwards, so don't think I'll be blogging much.

Sonics on verge of epic collapse

The magic number is one, but they've lost four in a row and six of eight, while Denver has been on a tear. Granted, they're playing with a depleted team with Rashard, Antonio, and Radmanovic on the bench, but you'd think they'd at least be competitive in these losses.

I'm heading to the Key tonight, hopefully they can pull off a win vs the Rockets and clinch the division, but I'm not holding out any hope.

Last three games: L 122-101, L 117-94 (vs the Lakers, I was there for that debacle), L 121-105. Reminiscent of the Aints' 2001 collapse - from 7-5 and in the playoff hunt to 7-9, losing their last 4 games by a combined total of 160-52, including a 38-0 thrashing to end the season by the Niners. I hate the fucking Niners.

Vols QB caught pummeling dude on tape

The guy may have deserved it, so I'm not going to pass judgment here. But what I do love about this story is that the guy who got the shit kicked out of him is named "Quantavios." I love creative names, but that one is just special. I may have to name one of my kids "Econometricus." Or something. This will be after Chauncey, Steve, and Rohan Jr. (aka the first Junior in the recorded history of Indians I think).

Buy red!

Nicki sent this to me - a bunch of liberals putting out a list of companies which donate heavily to conservatives, so they can make sure not to buy from them. Unintended consequence: conservatives like me now know from whom I should buy, and I didn't even have to do any work!

Prince Charles' niece is hittable

Who knew?

Does Ichiro no longer go by one name?

The Seattle Times writer and Mike Hargrove refer to him by his last name in this article. Could just be a sign of how far behind I am on baseball.

Oh, but I DO know the Rangers just took two out of three from the M's, and are back to .500, bitches!

Ok I'll admit it

I just went to Best Buy and bought Bring It On for ten bucks. I mean, Eliza Dushku waxing a car with her boobs is definitely worth $10 in my book. I'm sure in future years this will be looked back upon as one of the greater collections of hotties in memory. I can't remember if it made the Sports Guy's list or not.

Wealthy Australians

To hell with the Wiggles, what the hell did Russell Crowe do to earn $20mm last year?

ESPN Poll

Most hallowed ground in sports? Choices are: Augusta National, Fenway, Wrigley, Lambeau, or Cameron.

Heheh, Fenway AND Wrigley up there, and no Yankee Stadium. I'm sure that pleases New Yorkers. Fuck 'em all anyway.

Kristin Kreuk shower stills

By popular demand.

This might be up ten times tomorrow, seeing as I am having all kinds of trouble connecting to the blogger.com site and may have unknowingly uploaded it several times already.

The Jimmy Carter-invitation mess

Why can't the White House just say "We didn't want Jimmy Carter to come because he is a self-serving, United States-backstabbing, communist-sympathizing bastard who has made it abundantly clear that he chooses his human rights issues solely on the basis of whether or not they fall in line with his blatantly liberal agenda."

Fidel Castro can kiss my ass.

Clark just tried his hand at futbol americano

And predictably, he rocks. I mean, if I were Superman, the first damn thing I'd do is go out for the football team. But apparently there were some problems because getting hit by Clark is like getting hit by an oncoming freight train. Some evil kid forced Clark to trip into some 250-lb kid at the goal line, and naturally, said kid's collarbone broke and all hell broke loose about Clark being on steroids and such nonsense. After much soul-searching, he comes back for the title game and throws the winning TD pass at the buzzer even after being warned by evil kid with five seconds left and Smallville High trailing that if they won he'd kill Chloe - but Clark managed to throw the pass, pause the game, save Chloe, and return to his TD pass follow-through without anyone noticing.

Once again, Superman rocks.

Honestly, if I were Superman, I'd just play football until they found out I could ream everyone, and when they found that out, I'd just make like Ricky Williams and go to ayurvedic holistic school somewhere in California, minus the weed, plus all the Hinduism. Which would make Mom happy. But if they didn't find out until after I'd gone pro and won the New Orleans Saints a Super Bowl, then everybody wins!

Becky from Full House looks the exact same 10 yrs later

She's in this show called Summerland on the WB now. I see her occasionally and think "Holy shit, it's Uncle Jessie's wifey!"

News flash: fat black chick refuses to be another drug abuser teenage statistic

Commercials these days.

They just showed Kristin Kreuk in the shower

Who loves the WB? I do, I do!

Gmail is annoying

It groups all emails by "conversation" so if you send an email to 5 people and one responds only to you, it appears in the same thread as all the others, and is a royal pain to sort out.

They apparently don't even give you the option to change that. Blooooody 'ell.

We're raising a generation of pansies

Saw this the other day, finally read it when Arie pointed it out to me. Red ink hurts the students' feelings! We must go with something more soothing.

Give me a break. There's a reason 80% of my 401k is in international equities. Thank God we didn't elect that douchebag Kerry.

God Bless 50 Cent

Currently on MTV2, there are two fabulously attractive females in bikinis pouring chocolate syrup over each other in a bathtub.

Tucker Max + hockey game

It's old and all, and many of you may have seen it, but seeing as I've never discussed it with any of you and just have the link on my list to the right, read that story. How can you go wrong with quotes like this:

Raise your hand up if you've ever heard a professional team mascot say "What they fuck are you doing, you asshole?"

Arkansas' Nutt slaps Texas

Get the double-entendre? heheh. For those who can't understand the grammatical effect of an apostrophe.

Anyway, I'm guessing UT doesn't give a rat's ass what Arkansas thinks, and only worries about OU. Why rejoice in rivalries that existed a long-ass time ago in the now-defunct Southwestern Conference? I don't get it.

Now for the REAL championship

Baylor and Michigan State for the women's title: tonight!! I'm so stoked. Who's with me? Hello?

In tribute to college memories...

...and my being unemployed, I'm about to go on a late-night Taco Bell run on a school night. As the teenagers say, "Helllllllls yeah."

(Although I do miss Del Taco.)

OWWWWWWW

Body suspension? Holy shit....no really, holy SHIT!

"AP Poll: New Pope Should Push for Change"

Wonder what the ESPN/USA Today Coaches poll says?

Day just got a little better

I'm on a two game winning streak against my brother in foosball.

So it wasn't quite as good a day as I thought

Because I didn't win my NCAA pool. Not bad for the Illini, coming back from 15 in the 2nd half. Ahh well.

I just realized

That I probably took the Ice Cube reference from Shelby's page, which I read earlier this morning. Seeing as she sat behind El Cube and all at the Cavs game. Which proceeded to get that song stuck in my head all day. Which led to my titling the post a couple down from this one with an Ice Cube song. Myyyyyyyyy baaaaaad.

Good news!

This blog now comes up fourth whenever someone googles my name. Hopefully sooner or later it will displace that DAMN Jose Canseco message board entry that rules the list. And push way down the algebra results from this math competition I did down at Rice when I was in high school. I wouldn't mind it if I'd won, but instead I basically got tooled on by a bunch of Asian and Indian and German-descended kids from the Texas Academy of Math and Science (or TAMS for you acronym types).

Although, perhaps it would be better if this blog didn't appear at all until I re-find gainful employment. Hmm.

I hafta say it was a good day

I di-ent e'en hafta use my AK!

But seriously, folks, my first non-hungover day of unemployment was bitchin, mainly because two years ago when I bought my 256MB Iriver mp3 player for $200, I paid $25 for the product replacement plan, which means Best Buy would have to accept it in exchange for a similar product if it ever wore down. I wore that mp3 player around my neck to do cardio, and it tends to take a bit of a beating bouncing up and down against my boobies. So by this point, the headphone jack is messed up and can't put sound out properly. I traipsed on down to the local Best Buy, handed it in, and promptly picked up the new 6GB iPod mini that has the 18-hr battery life - that's like two whole weeks of workouts! - and paid the extra $50 difference. So to recap: that's $25 spent two years ago for the right to spend $50 today for a $250 device. Hah! I rule.

Though now I have a 4GB and a 6GB mini. The latter has the better battery life (18 vs 8 hrs), and few things piss me off more at the gym than when my mp3 player runs out of battery life. The old tiny one used a AA, so I kept a stash of them in there. Now, I'll just need to make sure one of them is charged at all times, and just keep the other one in my car or something.

Also bought a scanner today, which means you friendster types will soon be able to see the pics of me with various members of the New Orleans Saints a couple years ago at the 2001 Willie Roaf/La Tech Charity Golf tournament.

Oh, and my interview in Chicago is officially on the 13th.

The Chinese are assfucks, Part II

Reveals a "brural arbitrariness" to the Chinese legal system.

Gee whiz, what a surprise.

Colorado cracking down on Left-lane slowpokes

Damn, I love Colorado now.

Although if they ever enacted this up here in Washington state, some sort of Asian defense league would come to the rescue along with NOW, since invariably it will be a shitload of Asian women drivers getting written up. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why the hell they are such shitty drivers?

Salman Khan will be in a movie with Ali Larter

Holy shit, I hope he gets to see Darcy's whipped-cream bikini!!!

All caught up on Alias now

And I confirm, it really, undeniably sucks this year. I can't believe how bad it's gotten, and I can't imagine Jennifer Garner and the rest of the damn cast can be happy about the direction it's been taken. Add some sex, drop all semblance of a plot, and do random one-episode crap like getting Syd stuck in a coffin. They have so dumbed this thing down for the morons of the world who can't get enough reality tv, that Arie and I can't be the only die-hard fans who are pissed off with the directors. Ugh.

"Tiny House"

I think we can all agree at this point that one of the networks needs to turn that GEICO reality-show parody "Tiny House" into a real show. Frankly, as popular as the commercial is, and as ridiculously lame as reality tv is right now, I wouldn't put it past a network to do it. As the Sports Guy says, "I wish I could bet on things like this."

ESPN.com's 10th anniversary

This is dope, they have screenshots from the early days of ESPN.com. Brings a tear to the eye, fondly remembering when I first realized I wouldn't have to wait till 20 and 50 minutes past the hour on Headline News in hopes that the sports recap would say something about Jose Canseco's stats for that day. (With the A's and Rangers - Canseco's only two teams until 1995 - both in the AL West, they played a lot of games on the West coast which rarely finished early enough for it to make the next morning's paper.) Hell, I remember occasionally even following entire games by just refreshing the text-only box score on AOL. Thems were the days.

Best. Friday Night. Ever.

Picture this: a 98 Ford Explorer with Louisiana tags barreling down the highway 520 bridge from Seattle over to Bellevue at 2am, projectile puke flying out of both sides of the vehicle, courtesy of moi (front passenger seat) and my homie Matt (driver-side rear seat). Meanwhile, Matt's wife Gesina, seated behind me and adjacent to Matt, is laughing so hard she actually passed the fuck out. Apparently it can happen. Good thing it didn't happen to Arie, who was laughing similarly hard, but he was driving and if he'd passed out from laughing that would have presented some entirely new problems. We're in the right-hand lane so my dinner is partially in Lake Washington and partially decorating the right-hand side of aforementioned 98 Explorer. I tried to get a feel for whether or not there was anyone behind us who was getting smeared by barbecue chicken and steamed veggies as well, but by that point my vision had deteriorated from normal 20/30 to about 20/300 so about all I can do for you is confirm that there were in fact headlights behind us, just not sure how far. Arie, meanwhile, is watching people pass us in the left lane and everytime he tries to look out his rear view mirror to see behind us, all he can see is Matt's head jutting about a foot out the window into the other lane and a steady stream of nastiness flowing right onto the left-hand side of the vehicle. (What's funny here is that, upon examination of the vehicle this morning, it was evident that Gesina had used a dainty one-finger approach to close her door when we got home last night, since that whole side of the truck was smeared with my mess; on Matt's side there was an entire sloppy handprint in the middle of his puke stain, indicating that apparently he just plain didn't give a fuck when he shut his door.)

Probably should've seen all that coming since about twenty minutes before the simultaneous pukeage, I'd stumbled up to the barkeep to close out my tab, at which point ole Carlos chuckled and informed me I'd closed out my tab about 3 minutes before that. And at some point in between that and the puking, Matt decided it would be fun to make it back to the car with a City of Seattle orange traffic cone, which he promptly deposited in the back of the Explorer for memory's sake. That part's important because as we spent this morning reconstructing the events of last night, we kept opening different doors on the explorer to find entirely new parts of the story that had been forgotten. (Arie, of course, was sober through all of this, and even he had trouble remembering some parts.)

Arie dropped us off at home and went right down the street to the trusty 24-hour Jack in the Box to pick us up some eats, got back EIGHT minutes later and we were all passed out, so he ate his spicy chicken combo meal and what should have been my ultimate cheeseburger combo.

Yeah, we represented Louisiana pretty well last night. Sorry to the headlights behind us if you were, in fact, close enough to get sprayed.

Gym madness

Ok so seeing as I'm unemployed now, I was able to get my workout in before 4pm today which meant I could do more than 20 minutes on the cardio. When finished, I walked back into the locker room to the grotesque sight of a 300-lb 60-year old man sitting ass-naked on a bench. No towel underneath or anything. Probably left skid marks on the damn thing too. What the hell is up with old dudes - especially the fat ones - and complete lack of locker room awareness? God damn, that pisses me off.

Oh and internet is not down

I'm riding someone else's wireless network, so hopefully I can stay connected till the new modem comes in!

Yep, I'm going to hell.

I love penguins

Seriously, one day when I have enough money, I'm going to have a penguin as a pet.

Thinking before speaking

I think if someone ever says, "Suck my balls!" and you are tempted to say "Present them," it would be a good idea to first make sure that said individual is not a homosexual.

One thing I really hate

Is when I'm standing in an elevator lobby with the direction button already pushed, and some fucker walks right up to it and pushes it again for good measure, just in case the elevator gods decide that his importance will make the mechanism hurry the fuck up. God damn, that pisses me off.

Victory Is Mine

Friday, April 29, 2005

Anyone know any good ways to make people laugh...

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Irish Car Bombs are good

Friday, April 22, 2005

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

You have to admit

Monday, April 18, 2005

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Friday, April 15, 2005

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

In Chicago today and tomorrow

Monday, April 11, 2005

Friday, April 08, 2005

Ok I'll admit it

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Clark just tried his hand at futbol americano

News flash: fat black chick refuses to be another drug abuser teenage statistic

Gmail is annoying

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

God Bless 50 Cent

Monday, April 04, 2005

Day just got a little better

So it wasn't quite as good a day as I thought

I just realized

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Saturday, April 02, 2005

All caught up on Alias now

Best. Friday Night. Ever.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Gym madness

Oh and internet is not down

Thinking before speaking

One thing I really hate

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